Back before there was myspace or facebook, a good friend introduced me to livejournal. It's the first place where I was really able to put it all out there. They say myspace and facebook are good to connect, but it's really just another way for you to try to impress everyone. It's all fake. Those "friends" could care less about you and everyone's always trying to one up each other. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of acting like I'm someone I'm not. I'm tired of watching what I post to make sure I don't offend anyone. I want to be able to hash out my feelings without my other half reading it and it starting WWIII. This is not how my life was supposed to turn out. I'm a good person with dreams and ambitions of greatness. And it doesn't make me a bad person just bc I'm never going to be happy in a small closed minded town where everyone is happy with life just passing them by. I'm tired of being a housewife/stepmom. I want to go out and have FUN again. I want to travel to places I've never been, taste new foods, and meet new interesting people who make me look differently at the world. I'm emotionally and mentally tired and beat down. I don't know how much more I can take before the little amount of light in my soul is stomped out and gone forever.
It has been so amazingly long since I wrote last. It's kinda fun to read such old entries though. To the ones who fatefully update atleast once a week, I applaud you. WELL DONE!!
I however will probably just continue to provide entries without schedule or reason. = D
The sad part of it is, that after all this time, I still don't have anything new or exciting to tell you.
This memorial weekend has not turned out the way I had hoped it would.
But then again, I should get used to things not going the way I had hoped.....that's the story of my life.
It sure is great to have my LJ, which most people don't read.
I'm a little bummed that none of my "friends" have been talking to me much lately. I've been super busy moving, but it just seems like everyone's pissed at me. My friend Jess had some drama with her man Sunday night (big surprise) and after moving all day Sat. (which she bailed on helping me out after she said she would) and unpacking all day Sunday, Zane wasn't in the mood to drive me over to her place to concole her. (My car has been at my parents the past 2 weeks, getting fixed from the dumbass neighbor who hit it in the parking lot. A family friend fixed it for CHEAP, so I can keep half of the check from the insurance.) Now she's pissed, even though I've been there for her through many, many, MANY more of her guy troubles in the past 3 years I've known her. Plus, at least my issues have all been about the same guy.
And to make it all worse, my b-day is this Sunday, and noone's said a word about it. (Except me - you'd think people would start to get the hint.) I've been saying all month long that I want to get a group and go out on Sat. to celebrate, but I haven't heard a thing from anyone. Zane and I are going to get my car this Sunday, so it looks like the only b-day excitement I'm gonna have is with the parents in Muldrow, OK.
Ok, so I know it's been FOREVER since I've posted. I do check up you wonderful people who do still update on a regular basis. I just haven't been feeling the LJ lately. I think it's b/c my life is so utterly confusing right now that I wouldn't even know where to start. And of course I'm addicted to Myspace, but lately I haven't even been on there as much as I used to. So, what's new with me?? I'm moving in with Zane.....again. Let's just hope it goes more smoothly the second time around, otherwise I don't think we're going to make it. And I'll go crazy. But for the most part, we've been getting along a lot better lately, so hopefully everything is gonna be alright.
I have a lot of loose ends to tie up from some major drama the past month. (If you really want to know, you can ask me in an email, but I'm not posting it on here.) Work has been INCREDIBLY stressful. I'm not sure if they're trying to force me to quit or jump off an f'ing building, but I think one of the two is about to happen soon. It's mostly on account of my "excessive absenteeism". They act like I'm trying to take advantage of them or something, but think about it. I'm a secretary - I don't get paid didly squat to start with and the days I miss are being taken out of my paycheck anyways, so what do they care as long as I get the work done. Oh that's right, there are too many professors who don't know how to do a GD thing by themselves.
Anywho, that's a brief update. If I don't stop now, it'll end up being a novel. (Oooo....that would be interesting.) Maybe I should start writing my memoirs......
So Zane is in Cozumel, probably tanning on the beach as I type. He left early Friday morning. I'm trying not to miss him too terribly. = ( Other than that, things are finally settling down. I got to spend a nice relaxing weekend at my parents house. I never mentioned, but about a month ago, my mom's dog was attacked by a pit bull. He's only a mini pin (He looks like this: It really tore him up. When mom first took him to the vet, they thought he was paralyzed from the waist down and wanted to put him down. I talked mom out of it and went home to see him. He dramatically improved just over the weekend and now is practically walking on both of his back legs again! He sure is a fighter!
I've been feeling a lot better lately, but I've been having lots of nightmares though. My uncle passed away a couple of weeks ago. He was more like a grandfather to me b/c there is so much of an age difference between my mom and him. It was my mom's brother-in-law. He and his wife have been my "granny and pa" for as long as I can remember. It was tough, but he's a lot better off. Plus a girl that I used to compete with was murdered back in Dec. and her boyfriend turned himself in Friday. Even though he was speculated the entire time, I was still shocked and broken-hearted. I hope justice is served.
Work's going better. I made it in 5 days 3 out of the 4 weeks last month. Yea!! I went completely off my birth control and prescriptions and started a new batch of endo-munching herbal supplements. So far so good! Getting nervous about graduation next month, but I'm OH SO READY!!
Hope everyone's doing well.
Still hurting every day. I constantly battle with my supervisor at work. Nothing ever seems to be enough. My uncle died last week. Zane wants me to move in without a commitment. My lease runs out in a month and I don't know where I'm going to live. I'm nowhere near finished on my thesis. My pain has prohibited me from getting to work and class. I hardly get to go out b/c of my pain. I'm broke. And I want a little dog to keep me company when I'm lonely. . . which is often.
Although I have no major plans this weekend, I sure am glad it's FRIDAY!! I might try to go see B-Side play at George's tonight, but other than that, I'm pretty much free to relax. I hope.
So, here are my OSCAR PICKS for Sunday:
Actor - Leading: Joaquin Phoenix - WALK THE LINE
Actor - Supporting: George Clooney - SYRIANA
Actress - Leading: Reese Witherspoon - WALK THE LINE
Actress - Supporting: Rachel Weisz - THE CONSTANT GARDNER
Animated Feature: WALLACE & GROMIT IN THE CURSE OF THE WARE-RABBIT
Art Direction: MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
Costume Design: MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
Documentary Feature: MARCH OF THE PENGUINS
Film Editing: THE CONSTANT GARDENER
Foriegn Language Film: TSOTSI
Makeup: THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE
Original Score: MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
Original Song: "Travelin' Thu" - TRANSAMERICA
Best Picture: CRASH
Sound Editing: KING KONG
Sound Mixing: KING KONG
Visual Effects: KING KONG
Sceenplay - Adapted: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Screenplay - Original: CRASH
So, who's your picks???
Haven't really been feeling great lately, but what else is new. Missed work Monday and haven't been to class in 1 week and a half. Zane and I got in a couple of arguments Tues. and Wed., mostly because of my pain and the fact that he want to go to freaking MEXICO without me. Tell me girls, I'm right to be angry about that right? Especially since he's been on 2 Wyoming trips with his "boys" and we've only been to visit my brother in Cali back in Dec. 2003. We're working on that though. I made it in to work after lunch yesterday, even though I was hurting very badly, and all I got was a bunch of shit from people. One of my favorite professors gave me a talking to saying that my department is just about ready to give up on me. I've really been trying to get into work every opportunity I can, but I guess that's not enough. Recently our department was in jeopardy of being dismantled (all the different programs would have been split up into different departments - luckily the faculty voted it down) and he said if it had happened I would have lost my job. He says my supervisor (who consistently makes me cry when she gets on to me for not being here) is afraid to talk to me and people are getting tired of picking up my slack. Which really means that they're just pissed off b/c we have to have someone here until 5:00 (which is usually me) so they don't get to leave at their regular time of 4:30. Anyways. Today started by me being late for work and then getting stuck behind a piece of construction equipment that's going 15 freaking miles an hour. But at least the day's gotten a little better as it's gone on. I've got a friend who's wanting to stay the night with me b/c her boyfriend is being a violent asshole, but I'm kinda apprehensive about it b/c every time she comes over to hang out, she passes out drunk on my couch.
Thank goodness tomorrow is FRIDAY!!